It’s incredible how something so warm, nice,
comforting and fulfilling can be challenging at
the same time. Are you going to say it’s a
sweet and sour package? I wouldn’t want to
put that tag on it because even life itself is a
mixture from different bottles.
Marriage is a good thing and it can produce
excellent results in a number of circumstances
if properly managed. Someone once
commented that it’s a good idea that marriage
opens with a celebration: a declaration that at
least for once, you were the Prince and Princes
of the day - the focus of everyone around, best
dressed and centre of attraction all in one
beautiful day that you both exchanged vows
and promised to love and care for each other
forever.
A day after the wedding, the dress, suits,
bridal train, etc. are completely outdated -
everyone leaves for their home and even if you
choose to wear the dress/suit, it can never be
called a wedding anymore; no, not without
witnesses, guests, and exchange of vows. The
challenge therefore is that of being able to
remain in that world of ‘perfection’ both for
the bride and groom .
Just ‘yesterday’, the day ended with people
standing up for you to walk through the hall
and the next day you are expected to be the
house cleaner, driver or cook?
Amazing? This explains why they quickly fly to
‘honeymoon'; but unfortunately, someday, they
have to return home and start the ‘real life,
real marriage’ and be a real couple – an
experience that would reveal so many things
you never knew about yourself and the other
person.
You would have had a fantastic courtship and
the times you only met up for tea or occasional
lunch/dinner would have seemed like what
should never end as you prayed for the clock
to stand still but time flew against your wish,
you could hardly take your eyes off each other
as you wondered how amazing a gift you’ve
got, there were no restrictions on what you
could offer and finally, you sigh for relief as
you realise you’ll someday be joined as one
flesh, to love and behold, in sickness and
health, till death do you part- then you smile,
dream and wish for the day to come soon.
Here comes the real thing; now he/she is
yours, how do you keep the desire up? Just
before I get carried away, let me be clear to all
that it is absolutely impossible to feel the highs
of your emotions all day long and for the rest
of your life. If his mind was occupied by a
challenging meeting to face ahead at work, he
might get nervous and slip into the car without
even realising you had not received a ‘goodbye
kiss’. And as he zooms off, you’re completely
nuts and livid; awaiting his return so he can
have a plate of ‘revenge’ for dinner.
Between the time that happened in the
morning and when he returns from work,
would your feelings for him be the same?
Would you still feel highly loved and valued?
Would you be looking forward to give so much
love when you are feeling unloved? If you
answered ‘yes’, I rejoice with you because you
are a real saint and should please keep up the
good work so we can have a better world but if
you are a ‘real person’ who feels hurt and
resentment when things go the wrong
direction, then we can later discuss how you
can manage your frustration, control emotion,
manage temperament, say your feelings
without insulting, be open, and learn new ways
to show understanding when ‘things fall apart’.
Please don’t misunderstand me: there are
people you naturally would not bother about
such things but trust me, there are still a
million other things to get them enraged if not
done properly. There could also be people who
are good managers of themselves, they are so
much in control of their emotions and they are
so loving and understanding that in every
situation, their partner’s interest and
happiness comes first. Probably, she’s the one
that would ring just before he pulls up in the
parking bay to say “Oh darling, I noticed you
were so much in a hurry this morning that you
forgot to plant a kiss on me. I hope your day
goes well and you are able to meet your target
for the day. Love you! Look forward to seeing
you later. xxx” Fantastic!
But does this always happen? So this is point
we are making that even when romance seems
farfetched, (which most times happens) there
should be a level of stability that gives you
confidence to handle the ‘dry period’ while
looking forward for better days.
No one ever wished for stormy relationships.
As a matter of fact, almost everyone fantasises
about lovely home, abundance, going abroad
on holiday, adventures, nice children, and
having fun together as a family. Sometimes
though, a few can wallow in pessimism;
thinking ‘is this marriage thing ever going to
work? Okay, let’s see: I’m nervous about it but
I’ll give it a try and if it doesn’t work, then I try
something else’. At this point, images of all
‘bad & failed’ relationships might crop up in
their brain: just to buttress their doubt but if
asked sincerely, they would love theirs to work
out fine- better than even their parents’.
I’m not certain precisely the number of people
who receive proper counsel before going into
marriage but this could help put some issues in
the right perspective and trim some wild
expectations. If people knew before hand that
no one would ever be there for them at all
times, it would help them cut down their
expectations of how badly their spouses should
glue to their back. Letting newlyweds know that
difficult times do come in relationships could
save someone the heartbreak of feeling he/she
tied up with a failure who cannot bring millions
to the union or at worst, earn as much money
as the spouse ‘next door’.
I get really concerned when I hear people
moan - I don’t even know why I married him/
her, I did not bargain for this, I was fooled,
this is not the person I married, he/she was
pretending all along, I want to quit; it is not
worth it !
Then some questions would be, ‘What were
they thinking?’ Is there anything that can be
done to help? How can they get back to the
place of love? What really are the issues and
how can they be resolved?
It is for you to bring God into your home and
love into your lives, irrespective of your
differences. Reality!
Written by Mrs. Aidy Thomas
